I, like every other sports fan in North America, have been paying close attention to the World Cup over the last few weeks and, though it’s far from a new observation, I can’t help but come up with one conclusion: This soccer’s a great game.

It’d be even more interesting if they stayed on their feet rather than rolling around on the ground crying like a bunch of preschoolers denied their favourite toy.

To a North American sports fan, there’s nothing more frustrating than watching a grown man brought off the feild of play in a stretcher…sitting up. Not to repeat a cliché, but if you’re taken off the ice of a hockey rink on a stretcher, it’s because you can’t feel your extremities (or you’re out cold).
To solve the problem, I’ve come up with an idea to get rid of diving. It will also add some excitement to a game that many North Americans feel is just a little too slow-moving for their taste. I call the idea: The D’yah Want Somethin’ to Cry About? Crew.

The concept is simple. 14 football hooligans (the bigger, uglier and more heavily tattooed the better) are hired for each match. Perhaps they’re winners of local drinking contests, perhaps not. They are under the direction of a FIFA official who, like the members of The Crew will represent a neutral country. English fans may enjoy this because it will give them countrymen to cheer for in the final match of the tournament every four years.

The hooligans will all be given bats. Baseball bats would be fine, but I’d settle for cricket bats if soccer fans are going to worry about this idea being “too American” and when something like this happens, the FIFA official will review the video evidence. If in his/her opinion the “injured” player is diving/exaggerating/simulating he will call in the D’yah Want Somethin’ To Cry About? Crew. The Crew will then be given 30 seconds to show the diver the error of his ways.

Then they can bring out the stretcher.

Allez les Bleus!

Here’s a song with a soccer reference, just for kicks.

Listen to Billy Bragg: Greetings to the New Brunette

Pregnant Pause

The diving thing has been discussed all over the place by many other people who have pointed out ideas for the solving the problem.

Missed the Paul Simon tribute last night. I was kinda concerned about being rained on. Then, when I read the first paragraph of this story, I nearly killed myself with my grapefruit spoon. Good thing LC’s version of The Sound of Silence was only recorded. I don’t think I’d forgive myself otherwise.